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Invisible Woman Cake
I’m an idiot.
Last month, Denny’s apparent a adapted menu of six new items angry to Josh Trank’s accessible reboot of Fantastic Four. At the time, I was accepting issues with my columnist canyon for Comic-Con; in a moment of acute stupidity, I jokingly messaged ScreenCrush editor-in-chief Mike Sampson: “If I don’t get into Comic-Con, I’ll go to Denny’s and eat all of these commons and address about it.” His response: “Uh, now you’re accomplishing that anyway.”
And aloof like that, I was (doctor) doomed.
Quickly, a bold plan formed. “You go,” Mike continued, “and get the Airy Woman Slam for breakfast, the Human Torch Bucket for lunch, The Affair burger for banquet and the Dr. Doom bedrock block for dessert. Afresh you die.” I’m administration his words with you now in the hopes that, should Denny’s Absurd Four card absolutely annihilate me, you will use them as affirmation adjoin him aback you arraign Mr. Sampson for my murder. Please go afterwards him to the fullest admeasurement of the law.
Anyway, I wasn’t able to allocution Mike out of this plan or acquisition acceptable application at addition website, so actuality we are. I’m activity to attack to eat all that aliment Mike mentioned (hopefully afterwards dying). Additionally there’s a fourth entrée he forgot that I charge to clasp in as well. Plus a bake-apple smoothie. Hey, a bake-apple smoothie! That’s healthy! This is activity to be easy! (Why can’t I stop arrant adapted now?)
Here’s what the adapted card looks like:
Will I accomplish in bistro it all? Honestly, apparently not. I could absolutely abode one of these things with ease. Two? No problem. But four? And a smoothie? And a bedrock cake? No, it about absolutely won’t happen. But as C.S. Lewis already said, “Failures, afresh failures, are feel posts on the alley to achievement. One fails advanced against success.”
(C.S. Lewis, by the way, was a huge Denny’s fan. Loved the Strawberry Pancake Puppies Sundae.)
As you apprehend this, Mike Sampson and I are clearing into New York City’s hottest and best absolute Denny’s. (It’s absolutely absolute nice, and they accept chargeless wifi.) We’ve aloof ordered our aboriginal course. Now I’m activity to systematically eat my way through this card Absurd Four affiliate by Absurd Four affiliate (okay, it sounds affectionate of awe-inspiring aback you put it that way). I will not stop until I eat aggregate or my arteries spontaneously bake (or I run out of backbone aback a bowl takes an hour and a bisected to appear out of the kitchen; the Yelp reviews for this Denny’s aren’t absolutely bushing me with confidence). Forth the way, I will brand anniversary bowl not aloof on a calibration of deliciousness, but additionally on its allegiance to the Absurd Four characters as they’ve appeared in the comics (which I’ve apprehend a lot of) and in antecedent movies (which I’ve seen, unfortunately). In the end, we will try to accretion a greater compassionate of the business and publicity accoutrement that drives Hollywood blockbusters, and accede the above ramifications of the aliment we put in our bodies. Well, either that or I will booty one of the affliction bowel movements of my absolute life.
Or hey, maybe it will be both! Join me, won’t you, as I abort advanced against success. We’ll be aback with our aboriginal amend shortly.
For my aboriginal dish, I chose the “Invisible Woman Slam.” It’s got pancakes, and that seemed like the best applicable breakfast fare. Actuality is the description from the Denny’s menu:
Two buttermilk pancakes adapted with blueberries. Topped with beginning strawberries, assistant slices and drizzled with a ablaze citrus glaze. Served with two eggs adapted to order, two bacon strips or two sausage links and assortment browns.
And actuality is what it looked like:
I assumption that’s a citrus coat on the pancakes but I charge acknowledge that I detected no absolute citrus flavor. (Perhaps the acidity was … invisible? Acknowledge you.) Otherwise, they were appetizing pancakes. And the assortment browns were solid too; brittle and delicious. So far, we’re off to a appealing aperitive start.
We’re not off to a absolute character-appropriate start. What do eggs, hashbrowns, bacon, sausage, toast, blueberry pancakes and bake-apple accept to do with Sue Storm, aka the Airy Woman? Is she a fan of awfully ample amounts of food? Eat a brace of these things and you absolutely won’t be airy for long. Afresh again, at 680 calories, the Airy Woman Slam is the “healthiest” advantage on the Absurd Four card by a advanced margin. Which makes me absolute afraid for what comes next. Stay tuned.
Maybe this wasn’t such a acceptable idea.
Next up is the “Human Torch Skillet.” From Denny’s menu:
A affable breakfast sausage with acclimatized red-skinned potatoes, sautéed mushrooms, fire-roasted alarm peppers and onions, jalapeños and afresh fabricated pico de gallo served on a sizzlin’ hot skillet. Topped with our new ambrosial bristles pepper sauce, Pepper Jack queso and two eggs adapted to order.
And on the table:
Okay, acclaim area acclaim is due: the Human Torch affiliation makes sense. This bucket is spicy. That bristles pepper booze absolutely contains at atomic bristles peppers. My aperture is not absolutely on fire, but it’s close. Plus, afterwards I finished, I went to the bath and took a photo of myself. Check it out!
This actuality absolutely works!
I’m array of abashed by the admeasurement of the sausage though. Look at this thing! (Fork included to appearance scale):
Who needs this abundant encased meat? Doesn’t Denny’s apperceive I’m aggravating to eat four commons in one sitting?!?
The Pepper Jack queso is appealing acceptable too. Under accustomed circumstances, I can see this actuality a absolute acceptable meal. But here’s the thing: These are not accustomed circumstances. I already ate “normal circumstances.” Now I charge to eat like three added accustomed circumstances. I absolutely do not anticipate I can eat the accomplished menu. I absolutely can’t accomplishment the Human Torch skillet; I gave up midway. It was aloof too abundant sausage for one man to eat. In the absorption of attempting to sample the absolute menu, I bare to move on.
How does Joey Chestnut do it? I accept to brainstorm acceleration is crucial; he eats faster than his anatomy can apprehend he’s full. I’m demography my time. And I’m advantageous for it (and apparently will abide to pay for it for a continued time). Please accumulate me in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Dammit, why did there accept to be so abounding f—ing associates of the Absurd Four?
At the moment, I feel physically butterfingers of ingesting added meat, so we’re activity to apathetic things bottomward a bit. Fortunately, Denny’s Absurd Four card includes a “Fantastic Four-Fruit Smoothie,” so I’m activity to use that as a mini-break. It’s about as abutting as I’m activity to get to not bistro for a while.
From the menu:
Delicious smoothie fabricated with beginning banana, a alloy of raspberries, blueberries, and pomegranate, nonfat yogurt and juice.
And actuality it is:
This raises conceivably the best annoying catechism of our time: If the Absurd Four were anniversary of the fruits in the Absurd Four-Fruit Smoothie, which appearance would be which fruit? Here’s what I think. A assistant is continued and thin, so that’s the Mr. Absurd of the group. The broken exoteric of a raspberry makes that the Thing. We debated the added two for a while; ultimately we acquainted the acerb attributes of the amethyst fabricated it the Human Torch. Process of abolishment fabricated blueberry the Airy Woman.
Aesthetically, I booty affair with the actuality that the smoothie isn’t blue, back that’s the acceptable blush of the Absurd Four’s apparel (then again, at atomic it’s not atramentous like the new FF’s uniforms). Above that quibble, I acquisition myself abundantly afraid yet again. It’s a acceptable smoothie; I can absolutely aftertaste at atomic three of the four fruits. (Blueberry, you charge to footfall up your game.)
The admirable allotment about this live-blog is bodies are afterward forth and sending addendum of advance and jokes on Twitter. Actuality is aloof a sampling of my favorites so far:
You guys are hilarious. And actually, the smoothie is allowance achieve my stomach. I feel as able as a bedrock animal who gets a appalling hamburger alleged afterwards him! So let’s try that next.
What the hell is “Thing Sauce”?
That is the additive aloft Denny’s “Thing Burger.” Here’s the abounding card description:
Hand-pressed beef patty topped with brittle assortment browns, an egg adapted to order, Cheddar cheese, two brittle bacon strips and punch-packing Affair sauce. Served on a Cheddar bun with our wavy-cut French fries.
And the absolute item, afore I ingested it:
Hilariously, not alike the advisers of this Denny’s apperceive the capacity of “Thing Sauce.” Our alert waitress said that aback the chef showed the agents how to adapt the dish, addition asked what was in the sauce. He could alone absolve and acknowledgment “I dunno; Affair Sauce.”
It tastes, to my benighted palate, like chipotle mayo, or maybe some affectionate of remoulade. The added best assumption for its ingredients?
It’s possible. The bendability is right. And the color! It is absolute orange.
Look, I apperceive by this point in the day I should be abhorrent above acceptance and abashed by the afterimage of added aliment (not to acknowledgment the arduous abstraction of article alleged “Thing Sauce”). But as a announcer of the absolute candor I accept to say this in all sincerity: The Affair Burger is appealing good. There’s a tad too abundant Affair Sauce; it’s authoritative the accomplished affair appealing messy. And I’m activity to be the stick in the mud who argues you don’t charge an egg and hash browns on a burger, abnormally aback the burger already comes with a ancillary of wavy-cut fries. But the patty itself? Juicy, altogether cooked, and accurately seasoned. It’s abating me like a adapted bang of catholic rays.
The Affair Burger additionally maintains an admirable allegiance to its antecedent material, the Affair of Marvel’s comics. The bun absolutely resembles his bouldered body, and the aggregate of eggs, assortment browns, bacon, cheese, and beef seems like article a bedrock monster (or a pot-smoking academy student) ability dream up at 4AM.
But here’s the problem: I’m still not done. I’ve got one more entrée to go, and it’s an omelette and I accept absolutely had abundant eggs to aftermost me a ages (and I’m not a big fan of omelettes in general). How will I do this? And will I accede to the greatest super-villain of all? (That would be arterial affliction acquired by boundless cholesterol.) Acquisition out in our abutting adorable chapter, True Believers!
I aloof ordered article that wasn’t on the Absurd Four menu. Is that cheating? Do I get added credit?
In fairness, it was aloof a coffee. Afterwards several hours of nausea, my abdomen seems to accept adapted to the acute quantities of fat and sodium, but now my afraid arrangement is shutting down, like Mr. Absurd afterwards he got zapped by Psycho-Man. I feel alike added beat than I feel aggrandized (and assurance me, I feel affluence bloated). So I went off-menu to get a cup of joe to deathwatch me up. Aloof to accomplish it feel appropriate, aback my aide asked how I booty my coffee, I did say “Black, like T’Challa, who aboriginal debuted in Fantastic Four #52.”
Anyway, into the home stretch, and the “Fantastic Four-Cheese Omelette.” Denny’s official artifice abridgment (of my food):
Three-egg omelette blimp with broiled Cheddar, Swiss, Mozzarella and Parmesan cheeses, beginning spinach, diced bacon, onions and mushrooms tossed in a alloy of sun-dried tomatoes and herbs. Topped with diced tomatoes and served with assortment browns and your best of bread.
And the authentic evidence:
Maybe it’s the actuality that I’ve already eaten 5,000 calories today, or that I’m accepting agitation seeing acutely and beaming after-effects of affliction accumulate cutting bottomward my arms, but the Absurd Four-Cheese Omelette was my atomic admired of Denny’s Fantastic Four entrées. On the menu, the bushing looks ablaze and green; on the bowl it’s a lot darker and a tad overcooked. Allotment of the botheration ability be aback we ordered, adapted at the acme of cafeteria rush. (Or, again, it could be me, because I never appetite to eat annihilation anytime afresh adapted now.)
Also, why isn’t this the Mr. Absurd omelette? The cool bulk of cheese, which stretches and oozes with every bite, absolutely has a rubbery, Mr. Absurd vibe. There’s a assertive affectionate of argumentation to a “fantastic four-cheese” omelette, but it’s additionally so generic. And there’s no Mr. Absurd account on the menu! Were they afraid bodies would booty the capacity as a annotation on Miles Teller’s acting? (“Teller gives a achievement that lives up to the omelette which bears his name: Cheesy, cheap, and horrifically overcooked!”)
I ate the absolute Affair Burger, but I’m throwing in the napkin on the Absurd Four-Cheese Omelette at the center point. I’m not sorry. And I’m not done either. There’s still dessert. It will be my authentic and emblematic doom.
And now, the affecting cessation of our amazing tale, “If This Be Singer’s Doomsday…”
There is a ambrosia on the Fantastic Four menu, and it is the “Dr. Doom Bedrock Cake.” Because afterwards bistro a bucket abounding of ambrosial eggs and a sausage the admeasurement of a man’s acquaint what you absolutely appetite is a corrupt and balmy amber block covered in ice cream. It aloof makes sense.
Denny’s card description:
A warm, affluent amber block abounding with aqueous ccolate and topped with mini amber and white amber chips. Baked and accomplished with delicate amoroso and a beat of exceptional amber ice cream.
And here’s the account (the ice chrism is a little broiled alone because it accustomed while I was walking about the block alert to the soundtrack to Bouldered IV to attitude myself up to eat more; the band in “Burning Heart” about “Just about to burst” absolutely resonated with me):
Again, while I’m so abounding I never appetite to eat annihilation anytime again, this was additionally absolutely tasty. It makes faculty for Dr. Doom, too; what’s added angry than auspicious bodies to adore 820 calorie brownies? I apparently would accept befuddled some blooming in actuality about (perhaps about-face out the amber ice chrism for some accomplished amber chip?) to answer Dr. Doom’s signature emerald cloak, but I’m not a Denny’s chef. I’m aloof a man who makes absolutely poor activity choices.
And now my poor choices are at an end, at atomic until Denny’s unveils its abutting change menu. (Ohpleaseohpleaseohplease let that not be for a absolute continued time.) Until then, I appetite to acknowledge you for account and for all the many, abounding tweets of support; they were the alone affair that got me through the antic four-cheese omelette. I additionally appetite to acknowledge the accomplished waitstaff of the Denny’s in Lower Manhattan; they took accomplished affliction of me (arguably bigger than they should have; I absolutely ambition they had cut me off afterwards annular three or so). Adapted now I feel like a absurd charlatan who journeyed into an alternating ambit and alternate home afflicted forever. In that sense, Denny’s Absurd Four menu is an abundantly authentic adjustment of Josh Trank’s cine (assuming you eat it all together). Not that I acclaim you do that.
Invisible Woman Cake – Invisible Woman Cake
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